I felt dead inside. I’ve struggled with severe anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember, but it all felt different in the months leading up to the ketamine therapy. The temporary breaks I used to get from healthy distractions were gone. I couldn’t connect with anyone or any experience in a meaningful way.
My first IV ketamine session brought out just how much fear I’d been living in. I was able to let go of that fear a little more with each session. This is not a quick fix. It’s not a “happy pill” that makes everything feel wonderful. It’s not the “easy way out.” I found it removed the blockades that had made the healing process feel unfathomable and paralyzing, but it didn’t wash away the work I had to do to heal myself. It pulled me out of the waters I was drowning in so that I could see the truths I needed to work through without debilitating dread, hopelessness and worthlessness. There was and still is work to do, but now I can do it with hope and self-compassion, qualities I’m not sure I ever experienced before this journey.
I personally believe it is essential to do self-exploratory work through therapy, spirituality (if you align with that) and self-reflection before, during and after sessions. My years of self-exploration before ketamine therapy gave me a good foundation of awareness, but the ketamine brought more depth and clarity to my struggles. While this was still challenging to see and feel, it was not paralyzing anymore. I came to understand that facing it all and accepting what I needed to do in order to heal was the only way out of the darkness. I’ve still had ups and downs since ketamine, but the downs are not as deep and dark; I’m able to reset myself more quickly and feel stronger afterward. Even in the downs, there’s a new, nurturing voice among the narcissistic, self-deprecating critic that ruled my internal world for so long.
A few of the people closest to me during this time said they noticed a significant shift in my overall energy and how I was navigating challenges that before drove me to isolation and inaction. Ketamine has changed my life in ways that no antidepressant had ever come close to achieving: I don’t believe they’re capable of it. This isn’t for everyone, and not everyone needs it, but if therapy, antidepressants, self-exploration and coping skills have fallen flat or only gotten you so far, this may be the next step for you. You might think of it as the hero’s journey; it’s not easy, but it’s the most worthwhile endeavor I’ve made in my life, for me and my loved ones.
There is so much more I could offer about the impact of ketamine. I am happy to speak with anyone who might be on the fence and would feel supported by hearing about my journey.